Expecting Hope

I was really excited to get on here in a few short weeks and write about how we are expecting a new baby in October but in the last couple of days everything has changed.  Even though this isn't a blog about babies or really even me as the main subject, I can't help but think if I write this it will help someone else who needs to hear it too.  The pain of a miscarriage is so deep and hidden and I want others to know I understand how they feel.

Two days ago we went for our 9 week 1 day ultrasound and expected to see the baby much bigger than last time with it little body moving around.  I even had gone to you tube so I could have a peek what it might look like.  When we saw it on the screen it had grown so much since the little peanut phase but when the tech said, "Let me get the Doctor", I knew something was wrong.  She said "There are no fetal heart tones." I was in shock.  How could this be?  The old standard for ultrasounds is that when you see the heartbeat, the chance for miscarriage goes down to 5-8%.  We saw the heartbeat two weeks earlier which is when we felt safe to tell our closest family members and a few friends.  We didn't want anyone else to know until the first trimester was over and now thankfully I'm glad we didn't.  Making those phone calls to even those few was the hardest words I ever had to say.

Immediately, the Dr. wanted to schedule a D&C which he did for the next day.  I was in such a fog and in total shock.  I couldn't believe that this was happening to us, again.  We had an earlier miscarriage last September and without all this it was devastating enough.  We never got to the point to see the heartbeat then.  I just started bleeding.  So yesterday was the day that I just had to get through.  I didn't google any information on D&C which is highly unlike me.  I didn't want to hear any one's bad stories or be better informed in any way.  The less that I knew what was coming the better I could get through it.  It was bad enough that I knew this is the same procedure that they give abortions.  Working at a Pregnancy Help Center I knew the risks for that, but I wasn't going to think about that either.  I only trusted my Doctor and God. I knew they would take care of me.

My husband didn't want to believe that this was happening, and neither did I.  We tried to find cases where the ultrasound could be wrong but there weren't any this many weeks into the pregnancy.  He decided that we needed to have one more ultrasound to make sure so we went in yesterday morning to see the baby again.  It was hard to look at it lying there knowing that it wasn't alive.  It did give us peace to know that we made the right decision.  So many times, doctor do misdiagnose a miscarriage, but not in my case.

My surgery was at 2:00 and I couldn't eat or drink anything, not even water.  I must have been plenty hydrated though because my body found plenty of tears to cry.  I think the hardest part was all the lead up to the procedure.  They ask you all the questions, tell you all the risks, make you sign lots of papers that you understand you could get a hole poked in your uterus or whatever random bad thing that could happen.  Then they took loads of blood out of my dehydrated veins.  I wondered what exactly they are testing me for right before the procedure? 

 

I had to change into a hospital gown and they sent a stretcher up to get me.  The hot tears had already started because I knew now that this was it.  The friendly stretcher guy Abraham covered me with warm blankets and scooted me through the hallways.  I hated it.  I felt like everyone was looking at me, I couldn't stop crying and I knew this was the end of such a joyful time. Tomorrow I won't be pregnant.  

I did want this done though.  I probably could have opted for a natural miscarriage but because I already had a trip planned to NC & SC leaving Thursday, I couldn't take the risk of waiting. Besides, if the baby was dead I wanted it out of me.  It's too much to know it's in there and not alive and I could start bleeding and pass it at any time.  I know that a natural miscarriage is the right decision for a lot of people and I would have liked to see the baby, I think, but for me I needed closure.

Thankfully, they put me to sleep during the procedure so I was gloriously unaware of what was happening.  The nurses, doctors, anesthesiologist, stretcher guy, and even the recovery nurses were all so kind and warm to me.  I was crying so much and they told me their stories of miscarriages or just rubbed my arm to let me know they cared.  I will forever be grateful to them.  

My husband was and is such a rock to me during this whole time.  Yesterday when he went to get my medication, he asked me if I would need more pads.  I guessed I would since I wasn't planning on needing any for quite awhile being pregnant.  He said, "Do you want Poise or Serenity?"  I laughed and told him he was in the wrong aisle.  I mean, do I have to say again what a treasure he is to be looking in the incontinence aisle for his wife, then to browse through the sanitary pads reading me all the brands and virtues of each one-unscented, night-time, ultra-thin; Kotex, Always, Stayfree.  He also brought me home jello, applesauce, grape juice and chicken soup.  He takes such great care of me.  He even set his alarm at 2:00 am so I would take my medication on time.

During this dark time, I have felt lifted up by prayers of the few people who knew this was happening but also by the many women whom I've come to know in the pregnancy sites.  Even the women on makeupalley sent me so much love and prayers.  I really felt it get me through yesterday and still today.  

In our Young Married class at church we are starting to do something called "God Moments" and I've had so many in the past few days.  On Monday when I was driving to my ultrasound, I was nervous as usual but I felt this overwhelming peaceful feeling come over me and I started to cry.  I just felt like everything was going to be ok no matter what happened at the ultrasound.  I certainly didn't expect this to happen, but I did have that God Moment that I can look back on now and know why it was there.     

It still hurts so much and I know that it is going to come in waves and stages.  I can cry at any moment right now and I have the puffy eyes to prove it.  I still haven't cut off my hospital bracelets because I feel like it is one more step to forgetting and I can't do it now but I will tomorrow.  To be honest, I'm a mess but because of this trip I've had to pull it together and just get one thing done at a time.  I know tomorrow we are driving to Louisiana and on Friday I leave Gustavo for three weeks to go home, but I can't think about that now.  He is concerned about me driving the 10 hours alone and wonders if I'll be ok and I guess I will but I can't think about that either.  Right now it seems like Everest just to have to pack tonight.  On Friday I'm sure I'll conquer it though because in between now and then I will have conquered many little things.  

I know that it's my faith in God and Bible verses that I hold on to that have walked me through this week so far.  People keep saying that I'm strong but I know the strength is going to be needed as I keep walking and have to go on with normal life and conversations.  In a way it's comforting that right now can be all about my grieving.  I knew from the moment that this happened to me again that I had to use this experience to help other women.  I don't know yet how I will do that but I have been too touched to let it pass me by and act unscathed by it.  I think this can be transformative and healing if it is out in the open and nurtured properly.  

I'm hoping that going home will be a distraction for me and I can throw myself into something that will take my mind off the sadness.  This trip will be hard for me because it's when I was going to announce the pregnancy to the rest of my family and friends.  I'll even have a pair of maternity jeans I ordered waiting for me at my Mother's house.  I'm just going to hope that the trip will turn into something special still even if it wasn't what I was expecting.  

Jo Malone Friends & Family 25% Off

Jo Malone is having her Friends & Family Event with 25% off today and tomorrow. My favorites are Orange Blossom mixed with Blue Agava, but I already have some so I won't be ordering.

If you have wanted to try her fragrance AND need a good idea for a Valentine's present, here you go! (To my husband, this is not a hint for you to buy me this!)

There is also a deal on shipping. If you can't read the red box below, just go to the website directly.

OFFER VALID ONLY AT JOMALONE.COM (NOT VALID AT JO MALONE SHOPS OR DEPARTMENT STORE LOCATIONS). VALID FROM 2/10/2009 - 2/11/2009 ONLY ON JOMALONE.COM. VALID ON IN-STOCK MERCHANDISE ONLY. NOT VALID ON PURCHASE OF GIFT CARDS, EGIFT CARDS OR CUSTOM GIFT SETS. NOT VALID ON PENDING PURCHASES OR PURCHASES MADE BEFORE OR AFTER 2/11/2009. ALL PURCHASES ARE SUBJECT TO BANK AUTHORIZATION PRIOR TO PROCESSING. ONLY AUTHORIZED PURCHASES WILL BE PROCESSED AND SHIPPED. WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO CANCEL ANY ORDER DUE TO UNAUTHORIZED, ALTERED, OR INELIGIBLE USE OF OFFER AND TO MODIFY OR CANCEL THIS PROMOTION DUE TO SYSTEM ERRORS OR UNFORESEEN PROBLEMS.

Hair Review Houston: Aveda Institute

I recently had an experience I thought might be helpful to share for those in the Houston area. When I moved to Houston three years ago now (!), I had longer, highlighted blonde hair.  I used to pay $75 for a haircut, highlight and style in Greenville, SC, which I don't ever remember thinking of as "cheap".  In Houston, I discovered that I was not going to find a decent salon to charge me that price.  I know I could have gone to a discount hair cuttery, but I've never been to a place like that and moving was traumatic enough. So as I started exploring this huge city, I went to several nice salons and paid for some very expensive haircuts.  One was $100 at the Jose Eber Salon and it really wasn't worth it.  What killed me is that they ask you when you make an appointment if you want your hair dried, because that's extra, $25-$45 extra.  It takes me less than 5 minutes to dry my hair so it wasn't like I needed a "blow-out" or anything.   

When I first moved to Houston, seems like a lifetime ago.

It took me 5 months to even get a temp job here so there was no way I could pay $150-$200 for a salon visit every couple of months.  When I realized that time was going by, my savings were depleting and I still wasn't employed, I just had all the blonde cut off and went with a pixie cut for the first time in my life. Here's a picture.

I actually really liked it although I felt naked on my neck.  

For some people getting their hair cut off or letting their hair go all natural is not a big deal, but I'm one of those whiney scaredy-cats who is always saying "What should I do??"  At least that's who I used to be, before I did this.  Now, if I get a bad haircut, I'm not in tears, but it might make me mad when I'm fixing my hair.  I'm even getting adventurous and quite brave now because I even considered getting a red or purple streak!    It was Allie from My Wardrobe Today who inspired me.

I have a reason for this fear based hairdresser anxiety.  When I was in my budding adolescent years, age 13, I visited my Dad for a summer in Florida and happened to be letting my hair grow out.  We all know that letting your hair grow out is a worthwhile goal to any woman and certainly not easy to achieve as it may seem!   Well my step-mother wanted to take me to get a makeover, and she was nothing if not an embellisher of everything.  I went with her to this very special appointment with a picture of the hairstyle I wanted.  Now that I'm thinking about it, it may have been a picture of Madonna.  I loved Madonna!  Anyway, I got my haircut alright and it was a makeover, into Liza Minelli.  Oh, the horrors for a misplaced girl living in a strange place, growing up and having this happen.  It's not that the Liza Minelli can't be cute but I have fine hair and when my hair is cut into a lot of short, wispy layers with bangs, it isn't a good look for me.  I cried that day, and she made fun of me. My Dad isn't married to her anymore, but not because of that.  After that trauma, not to mention the school picture that followed, I became a nail-biting nervous wreck going to the salon. 

Last summer my husband made it known that he wanted to see my hair blonde again. I informed him over and over how this was going to make me high-maintenance and costly, but he didn't care so when we went home last June I had it done.  I must admit it really is more fun to be blonde.  People are nicer to me than when my hair is darker. Now that I've taken the plunge, I feel like myself again.

Since then I've been going gradually blonder and blonder because every time I had it done, he would say, "It looks nice, but it's not that blonde."  Which I would say that I have to leave some of my natural hair color so I don't get the dreaded dark roots.  He still doesn't understand because that falls into the girly stuff category that he doesn't want to understand, but whatever because I know what's best, don't I?

So imagine my excitement when I found a salon school in Houston, The Aveda Institute, that was so affordable and seemed really luxurious too.  I was counting down the days to my appointment and was so ready to be made over!  

Originally when I planned to do this post, I was going to recommend this place, but now that it's about time to go again I'm not sure I will.  They are so blasted slow that I was there all day. I know I have more time than money, but even I don't have that kind of patience. I was literally there from 9 am until 4:30 pm. I did have a mini facial, mani & pedi too, but that shouldn't have taken long.  

The problem with going to a school is that they are learning and they have to consult with the teacher.  In principle that makes me feel warm and toasty that nothing bad is going to happen, but on the other hand it kind of bothers me that they don't really know what they are doing yet. In fact, they were running so short on time that the teacher cut my hair for her just to be done with it.  I was so happy because I was a little nervous how this girl was going to cut my hair. She just didn't seem to know how to do it.  I thought, how hard is it to cut my hair like Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama??

Here's how it looked right before Christmas after I went.  It looks really short but there's a lot of hair hiding behind my ears.  I'm ok with the job they did on my hair because of the low price, but it really wasn't a good job.  If you could see the back of my hair, there is one really thick blonde streak that doesn't belong.  And they basically didn't cut the front side part of my hair at all so it's looking pretty scraggly by now.  But today is 8 weeks since I had it cut and it seems to be growing out the color well.

Opening Christmas presents from my family before going to Puerto Rico

This was my experience and I'm feel that I'm not being completely fair and wouldn't want to dissuade someone from going there to benefit from the savings, but I wish I had been warned before I went. My recommendation is to not take advantage of too many services in one day. Just stick to a haircut or cut and highlights and maybe you'll only spend half the day. Take snacks, drinks and something to read. I rarely have cash on me but I did manage to scrounge up 70 cents, but the vending machine only had 75 cent items. I was starving by the time I left.

I think the lesson here is that that in hairstyling like everything else, quality is better than quantity.  Since I don't want to pay the high prices in Houston for regular appointments, I'll just work with a good stylist so I can come less often. My goal now is to go every 12 weeks and the way it's looking now, it's doable, mostly because I have my natural color showing.  Also, it's less expensive to only have partial highlights.  Since it's the style to have darker hair underneath, this can work for you too.

There are Aveda Institutes in several cities, which you can see when you click here.  I found out there is also a Paul Mitchell school here, but do I dare?  I'll let you know if I do.

20 Things

20 Things I Love

1.  The clicking sound of makeup jars and lipstick closing.

2.  Clean sheets that are cool when you slide into them.

3.  The sound my phone makes when I get a new text message.

4.  Super hot coffee.

5.  Putting on a jacket that has silk lining.

6.  Taking a shower after a sweaty workout.

7.  Matching bra and underwear.

8.  Comments on my posts.

9.  Connecting and making new girlfriends.

10.  My collection of very girly movies.

11.  When I have a good eyeshadow day.

12.  New lipstick.

13.  Rainy days.

14.  Surprises.

15.  Searching for my signature perfume but knowing I like too many to ever find it.

16.  Having money to pay all the bills, even credit cards in full.

17.  Handwritten notes on personalized stationery.

18.  Sheets with my monogram.

19.  Alison Kraus's voice.

20.  The smell of a baby just bathed.

Care to share yours?  If you put it on your blog, send me a link to post here.

Membership to Gilt and Rue La La

If you don't have access to sample sales in your city, the latest way to buy designer duds online is through these websites.  You need an invitation to join so I wanted to give the link to anyone interested.  Even if you never buy anything, it's fun to see what's out there.  The best purchases are the ones that you already know your size and have even tried on in person.  Designer clothes tend to run different in sizing than places like Banana Republic.  

To join Gilt.com click here.

To join Rue La La, you'll have to send me your email address so I can invite you.

Both sites have a return policy if the sizing isn't right which is nice considering the nature of the sale and the discount.  However you will be out the shipping to you and the return shipping so it's not a risk-free transaction either.  

I think it's best to use these sites to purchase brands you already know that you love, or that you feel confident in sizing.  I love Trina Turk and have some of her pieces from 5 years ago.  To me they are classic and I know my size.  Cole Haan is also a sure bet for me because I've generally seen the shoes in person.  I also love Tracey Reese and Nanette Lepore designs. I used to go to a boutique in Greenville, SC called Coplon's where I would find my little designer treasures.  They had a room in the back that was up to 80% off and the prices were still high but I could manage them with that discount.  I always look for statement pieces that will last me years, like a well fitted blazer.

Rue La La tends to have more affordable options, but they are both worth joining and looking at once in awhile.  To be honest, I've put items in my shopping cart but haven't actually bought anything from them yet.  There was a Shoshanna dress that I really loved right before Christmas but I wasn't sure of my size and didn't want to waste the shipping money.  

Online shopping can be convenient and give you access to designers you can't find in your area. Of course it can also open up a whole new way to spend money and fritter your day away obsessing over things you want.  So, be smart about it because if you don't wear it, it's not an investment.

Another tip about online shopping, Saks.com and in stores is having a pretty good promotion if you need some beauty items.  You get $25 off a beauty purchase of $100.  The code online is BEAUTY9 and I'm not sure if you need the flyer to get the discount in store, but you can try without it.  If I end up using the promotion, I'm going to get a Mac blush brush that I've been wanting (129), a lipstick for my Mom and a couple of Mac eyeshadows that I've wanted for awhile.  Then again, I may wait because sometimes that is the best way to go when it comes to spending $75 on beauty products.

I hope I've not tempted you out of a "no-buy"!  I've been reading more and more that people are shopping their closets, thrift stores and going on no-buy binges.  If you are, please forgive the indulgent shopping post.

Free Makeup!

OK, I wasn't going to post about this, but my husband convinced me that this is a Public Service Announcement to makeup lovers everywhere.  Apparently some women sued department stores for never putting makeup on sale and won.  I guess they were accusing them of price fixing so now in retribution, major department stores are required to give away products to make up to us poor souls who overpaid.  

I haven't been to get any free makeup and I'm not sure if it's worth schlepping all the way to Galleria, but if I go I'll let you know what I get.

Tempted to Target?

Target is such a great place to browse online and dream about the stylish new pieces for such low prices.  There are so many designers now featured at Target and I love to see what they have to offer.  I always think, why would anyone buy high-end when you can have these designs for less!  

However when I browse through the store I often have a much different feeling.  I touch the fabrics and I'm not usually impressed.  The items are definitely hit or miss.  One of the first designers to team up with Target was Isaac Mizrahi and his quality is usually very poor.  The seams often have threads dangling and the sizing cut is sometimes pretty strange.  The designs are pretty cute but when I've hauled pieces in the dressing room, I'm pretty sure I've never left with any of his items.  Oh, there was a jean straight skirt that I had to leave behind shortly after buying it.  I was informed that it was dowdy and must go, but besides that lapse in judgement, I've often been tempted but didn't take the bait.  

Despite what it may seem, this is not a post to tell you that it's never good to buy at Target because it isn't.  I've found a few cute and enduring items that were closet-worthy and I still have most of them.  There is a red raincoat that I've had for probably 7 years and two pairs of wedges for about 5 years.   Both of those items are Mossimo and I also have some stretchy, v-neck t's that I adore.  The key to finding the gems is being super critical when you are buying. Online, everything looks good, so until you get it home, it's impossible to know what you are getting.  If I see something online, I'll try to find it in the store first before purchasing. They have a lot of styles online that they don't have in stores so it doesn't often work, but after I go to the store and remind myself of the questionable quality, I always talk myself out of it.

So even if Target has it right in the design department, should we save money by buying cheaper materials and scrimping on craftsmanship?  That is always the question I ask when I shop there.  Look at the two shoes below.  They are very similar and I'd go for one as well as the other.  

Mossimo Veta Cut-out Flat Black Patent Retail $24.99

Cole Haan Aleta Patent Flat Retail $150

In the Gilt Group sale today was $64

Now that the economy is in this situation it got me thinking that shoppers may feel that they have no choice but to go with the best buy, which seems to be the cheaper option since design wise they are fairly similar.  I'm not going to analyze the pros and cons of buying this particular shoe but want to talk about the bigger scale scenarios that I use in my life.  The answer isn't cut and dry which of these shoes are better for you, but with everything I add to my wardrobe I ask myself a series of questions.  

1.  Know Quality:  Shop in all the stores, not just the ones you can afford.   It helps to be able to identify the difference in materials when you touch them.  My fingers cringe at bad fabric!

2.  Know Prices:  You might be surprised the great deals you can find in a high-end store, especially right now.  Would you buy the Target shoes when you could have gotten them today for $64 on Gilt.com sale?  

3.  Analyze the Wear:  How well will this item wear with age?  It's important to have durability in many items.

4.  Price per Wear:  How often will you wear it?  Workhorses in your wardrobe are worth investing in because you wear them more.  

5.  Trend Factor:  Don't pay a lot for a designer trendy item that will be so last season in the blink of an eye unless for you it can become a classic.  For example, charm bracelets or scarves may be a trend to some, but become part of your signature look.  That's ok!

6.  Quality over Quantity:  Need I even mention this?  Yes!  These shoes are case in point because if you reason that you can have the black shoes, green ones, red ones & yellow ones from Target for the price on one pair of Cole Haans, then really you might not be following this rule.  If you like disposable clothes, then maybe this rule isn't for you anyway.

7.  Patience:  I don't buy so many things that I like because I'm waiting for that special, perfect item.  I have a finite budget too and I'd rather be able to scoop up freely and without guilt when I find it.

I hope this post isn't too pedantic.  I know many people already have their style and shopping MO finely tuned, but I think about younger girls who need to know how to shop well.  I see them in Forever 21* and Charlotte Russe* with armloads of clothes that probably fall apart after one season.  They probably don't want to spend their money on boring old basics or too much on one item when they can have more choices in their closet.  It's fine when you are a teenager to do this, but when do you learn to shop well?  Who teaches you as you get older if Mom's aren't teaching their daughters?  I hope that this post helps someone to learn how to shop more wisely.  God knows that with people losing their jobs and savings, this is a skill we all need to hone.  

*Love these stores for a sparkly party top though.