A Mother's Day Message

Mother's Day is a hard day for me.  It's doubly hard when you are trying to become a mother and have lost your mother.  I want to say Happy Mother's Day to all of you, but also send a little bit of a different message.

I want to remind you that if someone in your life has experienced the pain of miscarriage, don't forget them.  You don't have to celebrate with them the same way, but maybe just a hug and encouraging word.  You can say that you know this day might be painful for them but you are praying that next year they will know the joy of this holiday.  You can say that they are a mother in their heart.  

This day is also painful for those suffering with infertility and you may want to quietly acknowledge them too with a word of hope and encouragement.

For those who have lost their mothers, this day holds a pain that is almost unbearable.  When you lose your mother, you lose the person who loves you the most unconditionally in this world.  There is a tremendous loss in your heart and that is the only way I can describe it.  Please hug those around you who have lost their Mother!  A warm, loving hug can help heal their heart today.

Today we are taking the day off from all Mother's Day activities at church.  I knew this day would be hard so my sweet husband is taking me to Galveston and to a Greek Festival.  I want to acknowledge this day with peace and being loving to myself.  

I hope that all of you that are blessed to have your Mother will spend the day honoring her, and all of you Mothers are being honored for all your hard work.  You deserve all the hugs and love that you get today too!

Starting Over

It has been so long since I have written and after the last post I'm sure you know why. Recovering from the miscarriage caused a lot of sadness but unexpected blessings too.  I felt very introspective about my relationships with God, my husband and my family.  The pain caused me to be more compassionate to others with broken hearts.  I leaned on others more than usual because I needed them.  Physically, my body took a long time to recover. I waited 10 weeks for my first cycle to return when the doctor said 4-6 weeks.  So here I am almost 3 months later and starting over again.  I'm actually amazed at the mind and the body's capacity to hope for the future and move on from painful things like this.  But here I am, changed forever because of it and better in a lot of ways too.  Thank you so much for all your lovely comments.  They really were balm to my soul in my time of grief.  The internet can be such a warm place for friendships and support and I'm grateful for that.  

So what's new?  I never thought I would say this but, we got cable!  Not paying to watch TV was something quirky about me and I somehow convinced G to stand for the same principle. In my defense, I still wouldn't have it if the television shows with the converter box weren't such poor quality. There are some conspiracy theories involving cable companies floating around in our home.  The errr errr errr at just the moment we wanted to know what was said was inciting a fury in us that couldn't be healthy.  So we finally had our appointment for installation and I'm already addicted.  

The most unexpected secret pleasure is watching Tori & Dean's reality show. Why do I love this show?  I didn't even like Donna in 90210 but I'm even thinking about reading her books now. Apparently I have been drinking the kool-aid and it's good!

Need I say that the What Not To Wear shows are stacked up in my recording box?  I've been eating up every minute of them, especially the part where they go through all their clothes.  I love the fights and excuses people make to defend their clothes. It's so amusing and pathetic what they want to hold on to yet I totally understand too.

I think that particular process is a lesson on starting over and how it can be stripping yet rehabilitating in anyone's life.  I think that the most essential part is the closet cleaning process in the What Not To Wear show.  During the process they argue and try to steal back their clothes because of the association the clothes have with their inner selves. The clothes are their identity because it comprises what they've done, choices they've made, relationships, sizes, etc. We lose all perspective for an item of clothing if it has sentimental value or financial value or even brand value.  My Mom won't let go of a Liz Claiborne dress from around 1989 because it was the first brand name dress she ever bought.  We all have them though!

When I graduated from college I had the most mismatched, inappropriate for my age (too old) frumpy wardrobe.  I went from wearing jeans and sweatshirts to shopping for suits and button down shirts.  I remember the day I had to cut off my hemp ankle bracelet to put on pantyhose for an interview!  Shopping was even harder because I didn't have a lot of money to spend.  All those items went straight on the credit card and a year or so later I was getting rid of many things before I had even paid them off.  I bought everything on sale which meant I didn't even get a basic "real" suit with matching pants and jacket.  I went to the professional stores like Casual Corner and Petite Sophisticate that had nice clothes but I didn't put them together well.  

I think many people develop their wardrobe from shopping here and there picking up bits and pieces that are on sale.  Buying a suit can be an investment and it's much more fun to get lots of things instead of two pieces.  I wish someone had told me back then that if you start well, then you can build on that.  I thought I had to just get a bunch of clothes and that would be fine.  So the end result in my closet and those I see on WNTW is the same, a bunch of clothes with no cohesiveness.  

A light really came on when I realized that starting over by letting go of the past can be the only way to get to the new you that you want to be.  A lot of the women claim in the beginning of the show that clothes don't matter and it's who you are on the inside.  After they let go, they see that the inside does change and probably their whole outlook on life too.  I see them value themselves more, grow up, and having more confidence.  

So how can we take advantage of the transformative effects of starting over?  It all starts with cleaning out the old to make room for the new.  Imagine Stacey and Clinton were coming to your house.  What would we see in your closet? Why not start over by starting now?  Clear the way for the new to come into your life by letting go of the old, the polyester and the unzippable. 

Expecting Hope

I was really excited to get on here in a few short weeks and write about how we are expecting a new baby in October but in the last couple of days everything has changed.  Even though this isn't a blog about babies or really even me as the main subject, I can't help but think if I write this it will help someone else who needs to hear it too.  The pain of a miscarriage is so deep and hidden and I want others to know I understand how they feel.

Two days ago we went for our 9 week 1 day ultrasound and expected to see the baby much bigger than last time with it little body moving around.  I even had gone to you tube so I could have a peek what it might look like.  When we saw it on the screen it had grown so much since the little peanut phase but when the tech said, "Let me get the Doctor", I knew something was wrong.  She said "There are no fetal heart tones." I was in shock.  How could this be?  The old standard for ultrasounds is that when you see the heartbeat, the chance for miscarriage goes down to 5-8%.  We saw the heartbeat two weeks earlier which is when we felt safe to tell our closest family members and a few friends.  We didn't want anyone else to know until the first trimester was over and now thankfully I'm glad we didn't.  Making those phone calls to even those few was the hardest words I ever had to say.

Immediately, the Dr. wanted to schedule a D&C which he did for the next day.  I was in such a fog and in total shock.  I couldn't believe that this was happening to us, again.  We had an earlier miscarriage last September and without all this it was devastating enough.  We never got to the point to see the heartbeat then.  I just started bleeding.  So yesterday was the day that I just had to get through.  I didn't google any information on D&C which is highly unlike me.  I didn't want to hear any one's bad stories or be better informed in any way.  The less that I knew what was coming the better I could get through it.  It was bad enough that I knew this is the same procedure that they give abortions.  Working at a Pregnancy Help Center I knew the risks for that, but I wasn't going to think about that either.  I only trusted my Doctor and God. I knew they would take care of me.

My husband didn't want to believe that this was happening, and neither did I.  We tried to find cases where the ultrasound could be wrong but there weren't any this many weeks into the pregnancy.  He decided that we needed to have one more ultrasound to make sure so we went in yesterday morning to see the baby again.  It was hard to look at it lying there knowing that it wasn't alive.  It did give us peace to know that we made the right decision.  So many times, doctor do misdiagnose a miscarriage, but not in my case.

My surgery was at 2:00 and I couldn't eat or drink anything, not even water.  I must have been plenty hydrated though because my body found plenty of tears to cry.  I think the hardest part was all the lead up to the procedure.  They ask you all the questions, tell you all the risks, make you sign lots of papers that you understand you could get a hole poked in your uterus or whatever random bad thing that could happen.  Then they took loads of blood out of my dehydrated veins.  I wondered what exactly they are testing me for right before the procedure? 

 

I had to change into a hospital gown and they sent a stretcher up to get me.  The hot tears had already started because I knew now that this was it.  The friendly stretcher guy Abraham covered me with warm blankets and scooted me through the hallways.  I hated it.  I felt like everyone was looking at me, I couldn't stop crying and I knew this was the end of such a joyful time. Tomorrow I won't be pregnant.  

I did want this done though.  I probably could have opted for a natural miscarriage but because I already had a trip planned to NC & SC leaving Thursday, I couldn't take the risk of waiting. Besides, if the baby was dead I wanted it out of me.  It's too much to know it's in there and not alive and I could start bleeding and pass it at any time.  I know that a natural miscarriage is the right decision for a lot of people and I would have liked to see the baby, I think, but for me I needed closure.

Thankfully, they put me to sleep during the procedure so I was gloriously unaware of what was happening.  The nurses, doctors, anesthesiologist, stretcher guy, and even the recovery nurses were all so kind and warm to me.  I was crying so much and they told me their stories of miscarriages or just rubbed my arm to let me know they cared.  I will forever be grateful to them.  

My husband was and is such a rock to me during this whole time.  Yesterday when he went to get my medication, he asked me if I would need more pads.  I guessed I would since I wasn't planning on needing any for quite awhile being pregnant.  He said, "Do you want Poise or Serenity?"  I laughed and told him he was in the wrong aisle.  I mean, do I have to say again what a treasure he is to be looking in the incontinence aisle for his wife, then to browse through the sanitary pads reading me all the brands and virtues of each one-unscented, night-time, ultra-thin; Kotex, Always, Stayfree.  He also brought me home jello, applesauce, grape juice and chicken soup.  He takes such great care of me.  He even set his alarm at 2:00 am so I would take my medication on time.

During this dark time, I have felt lifted up by prayers of the few people who knew this was happening but also by the many women whom I've come to know in the pregnancy sites.  Even the women on makeupalley sent me so much love and prayers.  I really felt it get me through yesterday and still today.  

In our Young Married class at church we are starting to do something called "God Moments" and I've had so many in the past few days.  On Monday when I was driving to my ultrasound, I was nervous as usual but I felt this overwhelming peaceful feeling come over me and I started to cry.  I just felt like everything was going to be ok no matter what happened at the ultrasound.  I certainly didn't expect this to happen, but I did have that God Moment that I can look back on now and know why it was there.     

It still hurts so much and I know that it is going to come in waves and stages.  I can cry at any moment right now and I have the puffy eyes to prove it.  I still haven't cut off my hospital bracelets because I feel like it is one more step to forgetting and I can't do it now but I will tomorrow.  To be honest, I'm a mess but because of this trip I've had to pull it together and just get one thing done at a time.  I know tomorrow we are driving to Louisiana and on Friday I leave Gustavo for three weeks to go home, but I can't think about that now.  He is concerned about me driving the 10 hours alone and wonders if I'll be ok and I guess I will but I can't think about that either.  Right now it seems like Everest just to have to pack tonight.  On Friday I'm sure I'll conquer it though because in between now and then I will have conquered many little things.  

I know that it's my faith in God and Bible verses that I hold on to that have walked me through this week so far.  People keep saying that I'm strong but I know the strength is going to be needed as I keep walking and have to go on with normal life and conversations.  In a way it's comforting that right now can be all about my grieving.  I knew from the moment that this happened to me again that I had to use this experience to help other women.  I don't know yet how I will do that but I have been too touched to let it pass me by and act unscathed by it.  I think this can be transformative and healing if it is out in the open and nurtured properly.  

I'm hoping that going home will be a distraction for me and I can throw myself into something that will take my mind off the sadness.  This trip will be hard for me because it's when I was going to announce the pregnancy to the rest of my family and friends.  I'll even have a pair of maternity jeans I ordered waiting for me at my Mother's house.  I'm just going to hope that the trip will turn into something special still even if it wasn't what I was expecting.