The Prodigal Blogger

Picture of my Mother and Nancy buttoning up my dress.

It has been a long time avoiding writing and I have really missed blogging, not only because of the creative outlet but because of the people I "meet" through doing it. Thank you so much for your sweet comments asking where I am. I'm here and always brewing posts in my mind but just couldn't make myself post. I think there is just too much bubbling and I find it hard to focus.

Despite that, I am writing and hope to get back to regular posting. I knew that my first post back would have to share the monumental changes in my life. My Mother died. It really hurts to write that and I miss her so much. I never knew how transforming losing a parent is until it happened to me. I could write many words but there really are no words to describe the loss. There is a part of me that wants to make her proud more than ever, and that has to include using my gifts to help others. As silly as it sounds that I love to help people clean out closets and declutter, it is my calling.

Another huge change in our lives is that my husbands brother, wife and 11 year old son moved in with us in August. We have the room in our house but two families living in the same house has been a huge adjustment for us.

So I hope you'll come back and visit me as I try to write more often. When I went home for a few weeks I helped my Aunt Delores clean out her house and I have a lot of advice stemming from that experience! I also gained some perspective on how not being organized can affect your family when a death occurs. More to come!

If you love Anthropologie style, see this

This commercial reminds me so much of Anthropologie. When it comes on I am so mesmerized by her unique voice and her style. I just stare at the TV like a 2 year old stares at Teletubbies, mesmerized.

So if you like Anthropologie, enjoy this commercial.

One more thing if you love Anthropologie style but don't love the prices, try Ruche. This online shop has some really cute and affordable items. They sell out fast but if you get on their email list you can see them when they first come out. I've gotten a couple shirts and a pair of earrings from them.

What about you? Where do you find inspiration and deals on your clothes. I love Etsy too because it supports small businesses. Send me the link to your favorites so I can be inspired too.

Nordstrom Personal Shopping or How I Like to Pretend I'm Rich

As promised, I am here to report the goods on my personal shopper appointment, but first I want to tell you what led me to this moment. In the last year I have been in fashion limbo. It started last August with my first miscarriage, then trying to get pregnant for 6 months, then getting pregnant, then having a another miscarriage, recovering and now trying again has been exasperating to say the least. During this time I've gained 10 pounds and even though I'm trying to get it off, my clothes are tight. Even before the weight gain, I was in limbo because of not wanting to invest in clothes before getting pregnant. So my closet needed a bridge between unworn old work clothes and a little too tight casual clothes and jeans.

Since my life right now is mostly casual, I like the idea of a t-shirt and jeans or capris but it looks so sloppy on me. I needed shirts and pants as easy to put together as a t-shirt but one step above in the way it looks. We go to a lot of parties, as in bbqs and baby showers, and I wanted these clothes to work for that too. When a girl is trying to be fiscally responsible, it's a lot to take into account with a potential changing body to dress.

My Goals: Mission Nordstrom Personal Shopper

1. Buy one cool outfit for going to casual parties.

2. Get out of my fashion rut and be open to new possibilities.

3. Buy some clothes that fit my body now.

4. Have fun and soak it all up!

5. Report back to you.

I have had a few days to process my personal shopping experience at Nordstrom. If I had written about it fresh from the store, you would have felt me bursting with excitement and the adrenaline rush that it was. Even though there were some things that could have been better, I'm not going to discount it because it was an amazing, totally worth it experience. I loved the personal attention and I will definitely do it again.

When I arrived, Scotty Smith, a total doll by the way, met me and escorted me up to the women's department. Since I had already informed him that I wanted to try on some 7 jeans, he started picking those out. He also went through and showed me some tops that would look nice on me. I agreed with most of what he picked but I wouldn't have picked them out on my own. In the dressing room, I tried on and tried on while he continued to gather more items. He brought me different sizes or different styles based on what had worked for me. Just for the schlepping alone, who could resist doing this?

After we finished with the clothing department, he led me through the shoe department, and then jewelry, which I decided to skip, then the purses which I would have indulged had I fell in love with one. A purse purchase was "G Approved"! I did have him hold a coral-red colored Kate Spade but I changed my mind. There were lots of Marc Jacobs buttery leather ones too. I'm so picky about my purses because I don't like to change mine that often so it has to go with lots of outfits.

My husband asked me if it was like What Not To Wear because he knows I love that show. It would have been cool (except for the humiliation) but it wasn't. He wanted me to get the full spiel of style advice and great clothes that work for me. Since it was the first day of the sale my shopper was a little distracted because he is the manager and kept being paged. I think maybe style advice would usually be a part of it though. However, he already chose for me what he thought would look nice so essentially it was unspoken style advice.

One of the big perks for me was being shown different departments and brands than I usually visit. I tend to have certain labels that I look at and ignore the rest. Knowing what brand and size looks great on you can be so useful, especially if you are getting a great deal online. I like to look at gilt.com and ruelala.com and it's essential that you know your size. BCBG and Karen Kane shirts seemed to be what worked for my style the best. He threw in a 100% silk Diane Von Furstenburg that looked great but I had to veto because of the delicate material. I'm a bit of klutz and my clothes need to be cleanable.

Here are some of the items he picked out for me:

Link here to see it at Nordstrom

BCBG Dress

Link to Nordstrom here

BCBG Shirt

BCBG Shirt

Link to Nordstrom here

7 for all Mankind Jeans Dojo Petite Style

Link to Nordstrom here

Steve Madden jeweled flats in Navy

Link to Nordstrom

Link to Nordstrom

There was obviously a lot more that I tried on but what did I end up buying? I got a Karen Kane top that wasn't in the sale but must be sold out because it is not on the site anymore, a green Halogen blazer above, the 7 jeans above, the BCBG kimono shirt above, and the navy flats. I also got G two pairs of 7 jeans and 2 TD shirts. After I got home, I decided to take back the kimono shirt and get the BCBG dress instead. Also, after trying on the navy flats with my jeans I realized that I would have to have my pants hemmed to wear them so I took them back. I wish they had just a little heel because I love them.

Every year I also take advantage of the reduced prices to get a new bra and underwear. I was fitted a few years ago there in the lingerie department which is another must do experience. Apparently bras don't last forever (who knew?) and should be replaced every year or two. My favorite underwear used to be the Hanky Panky but Natori has become my new love. Of course I always aspire to have bra and panties matching!! G doesn't understand why women wouldn't match them, don't they come in a set? I won't show you what I got but I always go for Chantelle bras.

Right before I had this appointment, I had ordered two pairs of jeans from Rue La La, which came in a few days ago. I got the Citizens of Humanity Dita style which are a bootcut style but petite. I love that the jeans companies are now doing shorter styles so I don't have to have them hemmed. They were a great price at $99 each. I feel funny saying that because I used to think that was way too much money for jeans.

Since Friday I started looking on ebay seeing if I could find some cute BCBG and Karen Kane tops to go with what I got. There are lots of cute ones to be found at great prices. Most of them are even new with or without tags. I have two coming in the mail, one that I got for $17.00 and the other for $41.00.

The Bottom Line--Why Get a Personal Shopper:

1. Get the Right Stuff : As the personal shopper carrying all my items led me through the purse department explaining how the jewel toned purses would accent my fall wardrobe, people were staring at me. (Who's that girl?) It was really cool to be cruising through the section with intention and guidance. If you don't have money to waste and need help selecting some clothes, it is an even better reason to have some help. I did find the jewel tones great but quickly realized that these colors are very trendy and that I would not be spending $200 on a trendy colored purse. That is not an investment worthy purchase for me. So even though the personal shopper might tell you one thing, you still have to use your own noggin to filter it.

2. Personal Service: If the promise of all the schlepping didn't do it for you, how about someone there to only talk about you and how these clothes look on you. There is no impatient husband waiting for you, giving unhelpful comments when asked. There is no friend telling you about some drama in her life, or even trying on clothes too and wanting your opinion on hers. It's all about you and sometimes a girl needs that.

3. Building a Wardrobe: Creating a relationship with a personal shopper doesn't mean that you have to spend thousands of dollars at a time. I'm sure they would prefer that though! I think it would be perfectly acceptable to go in when you are starting a new career, perhaps just out of college, and buy a suit for an interview with shoes, and all you need for that. After you get the job, you could go back for some other building blocks to add to the suit. Maybe you have a wedding, or an event that you need a dress to wear. If you buy that dress well, it can take you through many events for many years.

4. Investment: Everyone talks about investment pieces in your wardrobe which I completely believe in but not every piece of clothing is an investment into the future. Of course you can buy things that are expensive and seem like an investment but they won't last in your closet. Just like I had to walk away from the jewel toned bags in teal and berry, the hot colors right now, you can decide what will be worth spending the big bucks on. For me, jeans are worth it. So maybe you don't need a personal shopper to pick out a purse but if you have trouble navigating some part of shopping, why not use this free service?

5. Finding the Right Fit: Who doesn't want clothes that flatter them? I think this is one of the keys to style that is hardest to achieve. We are really at the mercy of trends and the shape of clothes is part of those trends. The last couple of seasons it is hard to find a shirt that doesn't look like maternity with all those empire waists. How about skinny jeans for a fit that doesn't work for many people. I loved that Scotty chose things for me that fit my body well and flattered my own shape. Since I have an hourglass figure, covering up my waist can make me look really chunky. So if you have a particular body issue that you are having trouble with, maybe they can pick things out for you that you didn't know would work for you. I think having an unbiased person helps get out of ruts and get beyond body image issues.

So that's my report from the "field". I'm so happy to have had this experience. I don't think I'll be doing it again in the near future but I can see myself going back for a seasonal update, or even an event I need to shop for like a Christmas party or wedding. I'm curious if this post will inspire any of you to make your own appointment. If you do, let me know how it goes and of course what you get!

Aspiring to Quirky Cottage Style Decorating

Life has been all about home improvement lately! I wanted to show off our little projects we've been doing around the house. Other news is that we bought another car. We've been saving for 1 1/2 years and we reached our goal to be able to pay cash for a car. It's a sporty two door Honda Accord that G has claimed as "his". He looks so good in it that I can't deny him that! So let's get on to Show and Tell!

Here is the headboard that I built all myself! G was in the field that week. It's super easy, even for me, who pondered how to nail two boards together. I also spray painted those lamps white. They were wooden lamps with a brass accent and have been in my Mom's house since as long as I can remember. They are still a little spindly looking but they'll do until the perfect ones come along. Looking at this picture, I definitely need a new bed skirt too. In the mail are new 2 inch blinds for this room. The whole house has these hideous mini blinds that we are going to replace one room at a time.

This is the view from the other side of the room. I'm still working on this room, and all of the house really. Here are my famous pink chairs. If you are looking for the perfect grey paint, this is Forde Abbey by Ralph Lauren. That is my stack of magazines that I'm working through. Of course some (Domino) I can't ever throw away!

These are our new faucets in the master bathroom. Gustavo labored intensely for several hours prying the bottom pipe loose. Our old ones were so grungy and gross! Now I don't ever want these to get dirty. Those are our new soap dispensers too. They came from Target and I love them! Mine has Dr. Bronner's Almond in it and G's has some Vanilla Bean Bath and Body Works. We have so much of that overpriced obnoxious smelling soap to use up it will probably last us another year.

The view from the other side. I got those topiaries at Target for $9.99 each. The glass canisters were $4.87 at Wal-Mart.

Speaking of soaps and potion bottles, I do have a little goal that I have been "working" on which is using up all those little samples and bits of products I have left. Gustavo is so understanding of my idiosyncrasies that he doesn't bat an eye when I rejoice that a bottle is actually empty. I march it over to recycling and kick it for good measure just so happy for it to be out of my life. Why don't I just throw it out, you ask? Using it is my lesson to be careful of what I buy in the future. Just aimlessly picking up something nifty at the drugstore or the beauty salon doesn't happen because I don't want that bottle hanging around my house forever. I've even proposed that G and I use the same shampoo and conditioner but honestly I don't know if that is going to happen. I'm a bit of a shampoo snob, I admit. It definitely won't happen right now because there are two big imposing bottles of *cough* Pert Plus *cough* in the shower.

I'm even on a no-buy with makeup. After I got my few things from the Mac sale (which I love), I decided to be diligent about using what I have. As it is, I could go until I'm 70 with what I have. I don't like to think of it as excessive, but as having options. (Denial you say? Maybe.) I wonder how long I can last on this no-buy. I do give away makeup though because it's too fun not to share with my Aunts Delores, Karen and my Mom. I even have a picture of my organized makeup collection. It's all here in my little drawer. Ok, it's all here except for what's in my purse. In my defense, I don't collect anything else, not even beanie babies. Actually, I do have a few beanie babies. Nevermind.

I also painted our guest bathroom. I was looking for the perfect green blue grey color just like I did in our master bathroom but it kind of just turned out blue, just like in our master bathroom. It's Glidden Gentle Tide and a beautiful color but not green enough for me. It took me an hour to paint two coats so a super easy project for an afternoon. I love to paint though!

A future project in the works in this dining room table that I bought while I was in NC. My uncle Gerald took it apart for me so I could fit it into the back of the rental car. It was my little miracle! Thanks Gerald for all your sweat and ciphering that went into that ordeal! This will be painted soon and I still have to find dining room chairs to go with it.

This is our living room. Note the beautiful red roses from Gustavo. I was having decorating ADD and decided to take out most of the color in the room. I needed light and white things so I could think in that room. It's a work in progress but we like it.

Facing the kitchen and front door.

Facing the back door and the hunka hunka TV that we got for free from G's college friend.

Living room, much more subdued and calm than before.

Beautiful roses again and Keegan who wanted to get in the picture.

This is Miyagi, G's bonsai, that somehow I always have to take in and out of the house to water.

Besides these little projects, we went on a vacation to Costa Rica. It was our "we're not having a baby" vacation. I hope that isn't too morbid but we wanted to take advantage of our time before kids. We stayed at Mango Moon in Manuel Antonio region and it was divine. Don't let the rainy season scare you away. The prices are reasonable and the weather was fine. It was forecasted to rain every day but it only rained one evening. We had adventures every day which is what we wanted. I'll post pictures later.

In the meantime, I'm happy to be back posting. Tomorrow I'm doing something really exciting that I've wanted to do for a long time. I have an appointment with a personal shopper at Nordstrom. Even though I can look at someone else and really see them, I have a hard time seeing myself. I will try to remember to take pictures and let you know what I come home with tomorrow. My appointment didn't by accident coincide with the first day of the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. It's the best sale of the year because they mark down fall stuff for 2 weeks and then it goes back to full price.

That's all for now! I love reading your comments. I'll even take some decorating advice for my work in progress home. I can't wait to report back on the personal shopping too.

The Makeup Frenzy June 15-18 Mac Online 25% Off Friends & Family Sale

I love makeup. I love Mac. I know I write about minimalism and being simple on this blog, but when it comes to makeup I have a hard time restraining my excitement. Mac never goes on sale so to speak so this is a great opportunity to get some things that I've been waiting to buy.

You will need a code at checkout. It's SUMO. If your total comes to $60, then it's free shipping.

I find Mac very reasonably priced for a higher end line and it's so much fun to use. In the spirit of all things makeup, I want to pass along some makeup inpiration blogs and you-tubers.

My first you tube that I started watching is Lollipop26. I think I had a girl crush on her with her British accent and love for all things makeup. She recently did a little challenge which she called Project 10 Pan where she had to use up 10 things before buying anything new. You can see her videos on the subject. I'm always happy to use things up so I love a challenge like this!

I also like Makeup Geek for a little bit of everything. She has endless creativity with makeup and a really sweet spirit of teaching. If you want to play with colors, there are plenty of tutorials to see here.

One great thing about Mac is their recycling program. When you finish 6 products, you can return the empty container in for a free lipstick. If you have a freestanding store near you and not just a counter, you can exchange the empties in for lipstick, eye shadow or lip gloss. There are certain products that you can exchange which you can look up here.

If you need help picking out colors, there is a blog that swatches all the colors for you. She is a dear to do this service for us! It's especially helpful if you want to compare to colors that are similar. Visit Karlasugar here.

The sale actually isn't supposed to start until tomorrow but the code worked today so you can get a jump start on everyone else. Enjoy!

Starting Over

It has been so long since I have written and after the last post I'm sure you know why. Recovering from the miscarriage caused a lot of sadness but unexpected blessings too.  I felt very introspective about my relationships with God, my husband and my family.  The pain caused me to be more compassionate to others with broken hearts.  I leaned on others more than usual because I needed them.  Physically, my body took a long time to recover. I waited 10 weeks for my first cycle to return when the doctor said 4-6 weeks.  So here I am almost 3 months later and starting over again.  I'm actually amazed at the mind and the body's capacity to hope for the future and move on from painful things like this.  But here I am, changed forever because of it and better in a lot of ways too.  Thank you so much for all your lovely comments.  They really were balm to my soul in my time of grief.  The internet can be such a warm place for friendships and support and I'm grateful for that.  

So what's new?  I never thought I would say this but, we got cable!  Not paying to watch TV was something quirky about me and I somehow convinced G to stand for the same principle. In my defense, I still wouldn't have it if the television shows with the converter box weren't such poor quality. There are some conspiracy theories involving cable companies floating around in our home.  The errr errr errr at just the moment we wanted to know what was said was inciting a fury in us that couldn't be healthy.  So we finally had our appointment for installation and I'm already addicted.  

The most unexpected secret pleasure is watching Tori & Dean's reality show. Why do I love this show?  I didn't even like Donna in 90210 but I'm even thinking about reading her books now. Apparently I have been drinking the kool-aid and it's good!

Need I say that the What Not To Wear shows are stacked up in my recording box?  I've been eating up every minute of them, especially the part where they go through all their clothes.  I love the fights and excuses people make to defend their clothes. It's so amusing and pathetic what they want to hold on to yet I totally understand too.

I think that particular process is a lesson on starting over and how it can be stripping yet rehabilitating in anyone's life.  I think that the most essential part is the closet cleaning process in the What Not To Wear show.  During the process they argue and try to steal back their clothes because of the association the clothes have with their inner selves. The clothes are their identity because it comprises what they've done, choices they've made, relationships, sizes, etc. We lose all perspective for an item of clothing if it has sentimental value or financial value or even brand value.  My Mom won't let go of a Liz Claiborne dress from around 1989 because it was the first brand name dress she ever bought.  We all have them though!

When I graduated from college I had the most mismatched, inappropriate for my age (too old) frumpy wardrobe.  I went from wearing jeans and sweatshirts to shopping for suits and button down shirts.  I remember the day I had to cut off my hemp ankle bracelet to put on pantyhose for an interview!  Shopping was even harder because I didn't have a lot of money to spend.  All those items went straight on the credit card and a year or so later I was getting rid of many things before I had even paid them off.  I bought everything on sale which meant I didn't even get a basic "real" suit with matching pants and jacket.  I went to the professional stores like Casual Corner and Petite Sophisticate that had nice clothes but I didn't put them together well.  

I think many people develop their wardrobe from shopping here and there picking up bits and pieces that are on sale.  Buying a suit can be an investment and it's much more fun to get lots of things instead of two pieces.  I wish someone had told me back then that if you start well, then you can build on that.  I thought I had to just get a bunch of clothes and that would be fine.  So the end result in my closet and those I see on WNTW is the same, a bunch of clothes with no cohesiveness.  

A light really came on when I realized that starting over by letting go of the past can be the only way to get to the new you that you want to be.  A lot of the women claim in the beginning of the show that clothes don't matter and it's who you are on the inside.  After they let go, they see that the inside does change and probably their whole outlook on life too.  I see them value themselves more, grow up, and having more confidence.  

So how can we take advantage of the transformative effects of starting over?  It all starts with cleaning out the old to make room for the new.  Imagine Stacey and Clinton were coming to your house.  What would we see in your closet? Why not start over by starting now?  Clear the way for the new to come into your life by letting go of the old, the polyester and the unzippable. 

Expecting Hope

I was really excited to get on here in a few short weeks and write about how we are expecting a new baby in October but in the last couple of days everything has changed.  Even though this isn't a blog about babies or really even me as the main subject, I can't help but think if I write this it will help someone else who needs to hear it too.  The pain of a miscarriage is so deep and hidden and I want others to know I understand how they feel.

Two days ago we went for our 9 week 1 day ultrasound and expected to see the baby much bigger than last time with it little body moving around.  I even had gone to you tube so I could have a peek what it might look like.  When we saw it on the screen it had grown so much since the little peanut phase but when the tech said, "Let me get the Doctor", I knew something was wrong.  She said "There are no fetal heart tones." I was in shock.  How could this be?  The old standard for ultrasounds is that when you see the heartbeat, the chance for miscarriage goes down to 5-8%.  We saw the heartbeat two weeks earlier which is when we felt safe to tell our closest family members and a few friends.  We didn't want anyone else to know until the first trimester was over and now thankfully I'm glad we didn't.  Making those phone calls to even those few was the hardest words I ever had to say.

Immediately, the Dr. wanted to schedule a D&C which he did for the next day.  I was in such a fog and in total shock.  I couldn't believe that this was happening to us, again.  We had an earlier miscarriage last September and without all this it was devastating enough.  We never got to the point to see the heartbeat then.  I just started bleeding.  So yesterday was the day that I just had to get through.  I didn't google any information on D&C which is highly unlike me.  I didn't want to hear any one's bad stories or be better informed in any way.  The less that I knew what was coming the better I could get through it.  It was bad enough that I knew this is the same procedure that they give abortions.  Working at a Pregnancy Help Center I knew the risks for that, but I wasn't going to think about that either.  I only trusted my Doctor and God. I knew they would take care of me.

My husband didn't want to believe that this was happening, and neither did I.  We tried to find cases where the ultrasound could be wrong but there weren't any this many weeks into the pregnancy.  He decided that we needed to have one more ultrasound to make sure so we went in yesterday morning to see the baby again.  It was hard to look at it lying there knowing that it wasn't alive.  It did give us peace to know that we made the right decision.  So many times, doctor do misdiagnose a miscarriage, but not in my case.

My surgery was at 2:00 and I couldn't eat or drink anything, not even water.  I must have been plenty hydrated though because my body found plenty of tears to cry.  I think the hardest part was all the lead up to the procedure.  They ask you all the questions, tell you all the risks, make you sign lots of papers that you understand you could get a hole poked in your uterus or whatever random bad thing that could happen.  Then they took loads of blood out of my dehydrated veins.  I wondered what exactly they are testing me for right before the procedure? 

 

I had to change into a hospital gown and they sent a stretcher up to get me.  The hot tears had already started because I knew now that this was it.  The friendly stretcher guy Abraham covered me with warm blankets and scooted me through the hallways.  I hated it.  I felt like everyone was looking at me, I couldn't stop crying and I knew this was the end of such a joyful time. Tomorrow I won't be pregnant.  

I did want this done though.  I probably could have opted for a natural miscarriage but because I already had a trip planned to NC & SC leaving Thursday, I couldn't take the risk of waiting. Besides, if the baby was dead I wanted it out of me.  It's too much to know it's in there and not alive and I could start bleeding and pass it at any time.  I know that a natural miscarriage is the right decision for a lot of people and I would have liked to see the baby, I think, but for me I needed closure.

Thankfully, they put me to sleep during the procedure so I was gloriously unaware of what was happening.  The nurses, doctors, anesthesiologist, stretcher guy, and even the recovery nurses were all so kind and warm to me.  I was crying so much and they told me their stories of miscarriages or just rubbed my arm to let me know they cared.  I will forever be grateful to them.  

My husband was and is such a rock to me during this whole time.  Yesterday when he went to get my medication, he asked me if I would need more pads.  I guessed I would since I wasn't planning on needing any for quite awhile being pregnant.  He said, "Do you want Poise or Serenity?"  I laughed and told him he was in the wrong aisle.  I mean, do I have to say again what a treasure he is to be looking in the incontinence aisle for his wife, then to browse through the sanitary pads reading me all the brands and virtues of each one-unscented, night-time, ultra-thin; Kotex, Always, Stayfree.  He also brought me home jello, applesauce, grape juice and chicken soup.  He takes such great care of me.  He even set his alarm at 2:00 am so I would take my medication on time.

During this dark time, I have felt lifted up by prayers of the few people who knew this was happening but also by the many women whom I've come to know in the pregnancy sites.  Even the women on makeupalley sent me so much love and prayers.  I really felt it get me through yesterday and still today.  

In our Young Married class at church we are starting to do something called "God Moments" and I've had so many in the past few days.  On Monday when I was driving to my ultrasound, I was nervous as usual but I felt this overwhelming peaceful feeling come over me and I started to cry.  I just felt like everything was going to be ok no matter what happened at the ultrasound.  I certainly didn't expect this to happen, but I did have that God Moment that I can look back on now and know why it was there.     

It still hurts so much and I know that it is going to come in waves and stages.  I can cry at any moment right now and I have the puffy eyes to prove it.  I still haven't cut off my hospital bracelets because I feel like it is one more step to forgetting and I can't do it now but I will tomorrow.  To be honest, I'm a mess but because of this trip I've had to pull it together and just get one thing done at a time.  I know tomorrow we are driving to Louisiana and on Friday I leave Gustavo for three weeks to go home, but I can't think about that now.  He is concerned about me driving the 10 hours alone and wonders if I'll be ok and I guess I will but I can't think about that either.  Right now it seems like Everest just to have to pack tonight.  On Friday I'm sure I'll conquer it though because in between now and then I will have conquered many little things.  

I know that it's my faith in God and Bible verses that I hold on to that have walked me through this week so far.  People keep saying that I'm strong but I know the strength is going to be needed as I keep walking and have to go on with normal life and conversations.  In a way it's comforting that right now can be all about my grieving.  I knew from the moment that this happened to me again that I had to use this experience to help other women.  I don't know yet how I will do that but I have been too touched to let it pass me by and act unscathed by it.  I think this can be transformative and healing if it is out in the open and nurtured properly.  

I'm hoping that going home will be a distraction for me and I can throw myself into something that will take my mind off the sadness.  This trip will be hard for me because it's when I was going to announce the pregnancy to the rest of my family and friends.  I'll even have a pair of maternity jeans I ordered waiting for me at my Mother's house.  I'm just going to hope that the trip will turn into something special still even if it wasn't what I was expecting.